Have you been really pissed-off lately? Really angry? “Seeing red” kind of angry?
It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Our emotions exist to help us make decisions. At the dawn of humankind, the decisions were important and had to be made in an instant. A rush of fear would help us to flee the scene of a rampaging carnivore. A rush of anger could instantly turn us into warriors to defend our homes and families.
The “strong” emotions are still helpful today. They still point the way towards making ourselves safe and defending our livelihoods. Trouble is, we tend to react to the feelings as though we were still at the dawn of civilization.
We no longer have to “run away” from the big fellow who cuts us off in traffic. We do not have to physically fight with the people who have taken our parking space. We do not have to beat down people who stand in our way or confront us with damaging information.
It’s not the feeling; it’s how we handle it that’s become important. It’s not the anger. It’s how we manage it.
First of all, we use the anger (or any strong emotion) to see if something really does need to change. If we really are in danger we need to take care of it. If we’re scared because of something “real,” we may need to call 911 or take other action.
Often there’s nothing to be done. Is there really anything positive to be done if someone cuts you off in traffic? Should you take action from an angry disagreement with your boss? Probably not—yet the feeling may persist.
The Mayo Clinic has some great ideas for processing your anger in a healthy way:
- Think before you speak. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to say something you’ll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts and allow others to do the same.
- Once you’re calm, express your anger. As soon as you’re thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but non-confrontational way. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them.
- Get some exercise. Physical activity can help reduce stress that can cause you to become angry. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk or run, or spend some time doing other enjoyable physical activities.
- Take a timeout. Timeouts aren’t just for kids. A few moments of quiet time might help you feel better prepared to handle the issue without getting irritated or angry.
- Identify possible solutions. Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Does your child’s messy room drive you crazy? Close the door. Is your partner late for dinner every night? Schedule meals later in the evening — or agree to eat on your own a few times a week. Remind yourself that anger won’t fix anything and might only make it worse.
The Clinic has other great ideas for processing your anger. The key is to know that our emotions do not define us. We may not have the option to avoid anger, fear or other negative emotions. We do have the ability to process them effectively. We do have the capacity to learn effective ways to react to our emotions—ways that can benefit us and the people around us.