When we engage in a disagreement we tend to highlight our differences. Sometimes the smallest points of difference seem like insurmountable obstacles. In our desire to be right and for our ideas to prevail, we put aside our similarities and pinpoint exactly where we diverge.
It’s like a road that forks suddenly. One of the ways must be the right way and if we wish to move forward we must pick the one that is right (our way, of course!).
But there’s usually a third option. I like to think of it as taking the higher road. When we create it, it’s generally a road that can satisfy both of our needs. To create it, we must:
- find our common ground
- be able to see our differences as opinions or “flavors”
- be willing to see that third option—the compromise
Finding Our Common Ground. To find our common ground we ask, “Where do we agree?” In a disagreement about child rearing, for instance, we agree that our children are important. We agree that a standard way of approaching the situation by both parents is important. We agree that we’re willing to do what’s necessary for the safety and education of our children. When we reaffirm what’s important, we see that we’re on the same side of the larger issue.
Seeing Our Opinions. Often we sense that ideas and things are “right or wrong.” We may even have had experiences where an idea was “proven” to us as a good or a bad idea. This may cause us to more intensely want to prevail in a disagreement because we’re “right.” The trouble is—there is almost never an absolutely right or absolutely wrong. If we strive to be right at all costs we will ultimately lose—we’ll lose our friendship, we’ll lose the ability to work well with others, we’ll lose sight of what’s really important. It’s always better to see our ideas and things as “preferences” or “flavors” that are right for some people and less good for other people. This will make it easier for us to take the third way—the higher road.
Willing To Compromise. Anything can be worked out if there is a willingness to compromise. A compromise does not mean giving up what’s important—it means being willing to seek out a different (often better) way of approaching this issue or problem. If we can state our “preferences,” we can begin to see the third, higher road that can be taken.
Successful disagreements end in a solution that allows both parties to feel that their opinions have been expressed and that a good solution that everyone can support has been reached. Successful disagreements seek the high road.