In this social-media-rich age of Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and Pinterest, it has become pretty easy to make friends. Just point and click (well, OK, they do have to approve of your interest). I just checked my Facebook page and I have 352 friends. Keep in mind that I am a somewhat public figure.
Are all of these really friends? Well, yes, in a way. Some are closer than others—but I really do know who they all are. Are all of them good friends? Probably not.
Another resource in this information age is the Urban Dictionary. It has a word for a few of my friends:
“Frenemy: An enemy disguised as a friend”
Now I don’t really think I have any enemies—certainly not “on purpose” ones. But I do think that some of the people that we allow into our inner circle may not have our best interests at heart.
Have you had friends that seem to shoot down even your best ideas?
Are there people close to you that seem to always “take” and never give?
Is your friendship returned to you with a lot of drama?
Do any of your friends always put themselves and their wishes first?
They might just be frenemies.
One trouble with frenemies is they generally believe they are a true friend. Some might believe they are your “best friend.” In their minds, criticism is intended to be helpful. Emotional drama is part of “being close.” The energy that they drain from you is part of how they experience love. In short, the trouble that they bring to the relationship is always worth it (to them, anyway).
What can we do about a frenemy?
Release them! Everyone deserves friends who are supportive and healthy. Each of us can have a set of friends who wish to add to our happiness through a free exchange of ideas and interactions. We all deserve love and friendship without hidden agendas or negative consequences.
Begin the release process by understanding your definition of friendship. Be clear about how you expect to be treated. Set your parameters around “connection” to be positive and mutually beneficial. Often your frenemies will just “opt out” of the relationship once they realize they no longer will get what they have been getting. Often they will seek out another relationship where they can keep up with their own special kind of friendship.
Ultimately, you may have to begin turning down requests for your time and energy. It may seem weird to say, “No” at first. It may feel as if you’re letting someone down or turning your back to a friend. That’s why it’s so important to begin with a clear idea of what a friend is.
Let’s have our friends close to us. Frenemies? Just let them go!